Disguising myself as a genin [IO]

Kozai Tengai decided to do some regular exercise. You know, push-ups, jumping jacks, and so on. His primary motivation was when he earlier had been challenged by a civilian villager to an arm wrestling match. The result: Kozai Tengai nearly lost. To be fair, the villager was several times the size of Kozai Tengai, with muscles reminiscent of small barrels, and Kozai Tengai was not a particularly tough looking ninja (also, he didn't go all-out). Scratch that, he didn't even look tough. So the arm wrestling match was obviously relatively tough for Kozai Tengai, since he actually had to put in effort (a miniscule effort, but effort nonetheless) to push the villager's arm over and smash it through the thick oak table we were arm wrestling on. Having to use the miniscule amount of effort (as opposed to the effort required to simply move his arm) smacked (at least to him, his head whipped back and forth several times as a result) of weakness. He was getting soft. He obviously needed to get stronger.

So there he was, disguised as a genin, out on a river bank, preparing to sweat away and get back in shape (having spent quite a while to increase his chakra so that he could take hearts from other people). The reason for exercising on the the river bank was that last time he had tried to work out, he had collapsed from exhaustion, and had to crawl for a couple of hours to get to the nearest water source (since he didn't know any water jutsu, and had neglected to bring a number of water jugs). Kozai Tengai started doing push-ups. Up... down... up... down... up... down... up... down... up... down... up... down... up... down... and then started to get tired. Thinking again about the muscular villager from earlier, Kozai Tengai got all fired up and started doing lots of push-ups, really fast. Instead of the up... down... up... down...rhythm of before, the rhythm became up down up down. However, once he started to feel the burn from doing push-ups (he was at his two hundredth in a row) the rhythm became up down... up down..., as he began to get slower on the push back up. Kozai Tengai stopped at the three hundredth push-up, and went over to the river to have a drink.

Kozai Tengai cupped his hands, and slurped away at the water collected inside. He repeated this several times until he started to get impatient at the slow progress (because the water would quickly run out from between his fingers). Kozai Tengai eventually got too annoyed to keep cupping his hands, standing, and then drinking whatever remained, so he stopped, and, lying on his stomach, put his face over the water and started drinking. It went a lot faster until a passing crab pinched him on the nose. OUCH!!!!! Kozai Tengai swiftly got up, and started wrestling with the crab, attempting to make it let go. The crab, being the equivalent of a bonehead (since his whole body was covered in a thick shell) made up its mind that it did not want to. This understandably did not please Kozai Tengai. At first he and the crab (with several legs and its unused claw)grappled underwater, but eventually Kozai Tengai needed air, and called for a time out. The crab was confused by this, and let go, so Kozai Tengai took a big long breath. Then he obligingly flopped back down on the ground (thinking it the honorable thing to do), putting his face back underwater, and the crab happily latched back on. The crab and Kozai Tengai continued to struggle, until Kozai Tengai, while thrashing, happened to roll over onto his back. Kozai Tengai held his breath as water streamed down from the rapidly drying crab (it was drying extremely fast because Kozai Tengai was waving his head around, and by extension his nose. By further extension, Kozai Tengai, through his nose, was waving the crab, who desperately clung on. Because the crab was getting flung around through the air, water was flung of it (or at least had a much easier time evaporating), much of which landed on Kozai Tengai's face. Kozai Tengai and the crab rolled back and forth, struggling. Kozai Tengai fought on oblivious to the fact that he was rolling asymmetrically and that he was becoming parallel with, as opposed to perpendicular to the river. Eventually Kozai Tengai was completely on the edge of the river bank, and rolled the wrong way.... "SPLASH!!!" is what was heard through the surrounding forest, but Kozai Tengai heard "Ka-plooOOM!". Kozai Tengai and the crab continued to struggle, the crab literally in its element, and as they sank together towards the bottom of the river, Kozai Tengai became frantic as his air supply was running low. Fortunately, his panic resulted in the crab getting smacked against a rock on the bottom and, stunned, it let go. Kozai Tengai burst out on the surface, and happily gulped in air.

After slumping over on the rocks by the beach like a towel (the folds are hard to imitate), Kozai Tengai changed form and collapsed on the rocks again, this time like the parking panda. He got bored of this though, and decided to do some jumps. Kozai Tengai decided to do some jumps, where he would try to jump as high as possible. Kozai Tengai squatted down, and jumped. Then, as he was in mid-air so fast, he started flaililng his arms, and grabbed onto a nearby tree. He shimmied down the tree, scuffling with a robin in the process (and then disengaging) and prepared to jump again. Just as he was about to jump, however, he heard a brunch, and promptly fell over. Kozai Tengai got to his feet, brushing off his pants, and saw a squirrel happily collecting nuts. Kozai Tengai sighed, and jumped again, right into the bottom of a small, knot covered branch. The branch shattered, as Kozai Tengai had been practicing smacking his head against branches in preparation for this kind of occurrence (Kozai Tengai also spent a lot of time at the hospital having bumps and bruises quickly removed, just to do it all over again and be back a few minutes later). Kozai Tengai continued jumping, until eventually he barely missed smacking his head on a massive branch around ten feet wide. Kozai Tengai stopped, and decided he had had enough.

Deciding on a change of pace, Kozai Tengai decided to swim back to the village and work out in the gym. Kozai Tengai did a cannon ball jump into the river. He had forgotten about the crab. The crab rewarded him for this by pinching him on the bottom. However, because of the crab's position under Kozai Tengai, it was soon forced to let go and swim away to avoid getting squished between Kozai Tengai's rear and the bottom of the rock floored river. The crab was unexpectedly pulled away downstream as a shark showed up behind Kozai Tengai. Kozai Tengai saw the shark coming up behind him, and jumped twenty feet into the air. Then he began pedaling his legs for dear life, only to realize that it was a waste of energy because he was still in the air. Kozai Tengai stopped pedaling his legs around uselessly in the air and then landed in the water with a terrific splash (missing the opportunity to expel chakra from his feet and run on the water). The shark was not amused, as his splash splashed a lot of water in its eyes (no idea why that would matter considering its habitat). It began furiously swimming towards Kozai Tengai. Kozai Tengai decided it was a good time to skedaddle and dry off on the side, but unfortunately the shark would get to him before he would be able to get out of the water. Kozai Tengai had no choice but to start swimming (he always needed the practice anyway, and now was a good time to start, besides, he always improved faster under pressure, though not necessarily this much pressure). Kozai Tengai initially started out swimming breastroke but quickly realized the shark was going to catch him, so he hanged to the butterfly stroke. The reason he didn't go into the front crawl/freestyle is that butterfly would get more water into the shark's eyes and make the water filled with air bubbles so it would be harder to see him (he didn't know much about shark sensory capabilities). The shark slowed down, confused by the sudden burst of speed and bubbles in the water, but it soon picked up his trail again. Kozai Tengai felt the tip of the shark's head on his foot, and switch tactics, starting to swim freestyle for more speed (incidentally kicking the shark and several friends who had been innocent bystanders up until that point in the nose, changing their status to "angry pursuers"). Now pursued by a swarm of sharks, Kozai Tengai sped up, almost flying over the water. Downstream, there was a swimming competition to see who could get the farthest upstream. The competition was temporarily suspended as Kozai Tengai came crashing through, his speed scattering competitors left and right, with the following sharks scattering the competitors further (both times competitors were pushed downstream as well). Kozai Tengai managed to lose most of the sharks in the resulting chaos, except for the first one (the other sharks were more interested in entering the swimming competition and were pulling out wallets for the entrance fee). Kozai Tengai continued to frantically swim as the shark got nearer, but began to hear this roaring sound. Kozai Tengai lifted his head while swimming and was promptly pulled over the waterfall.

Kozai Tengai tumbled head over heels as the shark poked its head over, annoyed at its inability to follow him. Kozai Tengai continued to tumble head over heels until he landed in more water with a terrific SPLASH!!!!! The villagers fishing in the pond were soaked, as was everything else in a 50 foot radius around the pond. Kozai Tengai swam backstroke, while gasping for air, over to the side, only learning he had arrived when he banged his head on a rock. Kozai Tengai staggered out of the pond, and collapsed in exhaustion on the side. He was tired of this type of training, so he went home and had a shower.

Kozai Tengai then headed off to the gym. He headed in, not noting the signs on the walls, and walked into the weight room. He started lifting weights. What was wrong with them? Even the biggest ones were far to light. Kozai Tengai tried tossing the biggest one he could find up and down. The first time the weight scraped the ten foot ceiling, the second time Kozai Tengai got distracted and the weight made a big hole in the ceiling. Kozai Tengai looked back in time to catch the weight again in one hand, not noticing the damage done above him. Kozai Tengai put down the weight and was approached by a staff member. Kozai Tengai complained the weights were really easy to use, and the staff member notified Kozai Tengai that he was in the regular weight room. There was another gym for ninjas which was on the other side of a fork just at the entrance. Oops. Kozai Tengai hastily walked around, to the ninja gym. It smelled like gym socks just as much as the other gym, which is to say, far, far too much, which is the apparent norm for gyms, not that that is necessarily a bad thing.

Kozai Tengai walked into the ninja gym, about to start flexing muscles. He looked around the room, and thought better of it, as many (he didn't want to say pretty much all) of the ninjas present (even the girls) were lifting more than he could currently hope of lifting, and many looked mean. Kozai Tengai decided not to be flashy at all for once and started lifting weights. By golly, these were HEAVY! He could barely lift the minimum weights of some of the machines. Kozai Tengai (somewhat) valiantly struggled away at moving the massive weights but started to get exhausted. After a short break, and a drink of water, Kozai Tengai was ready to roll, again.

Kozai Tengai decided to take a break from lifting weights, and went to look at the exercise class schedule. He looked through the list, realized his mistake, read the list, and then headed off to the next one that was starting. The room was very crowded. The instructor instructed everyone to start warming up so Kozai Tengai stuff his clothing with napkins. People started looking at him like he was an idiot, as they started stretching and jogging in place. Kozai Tengai realized what was supposed to have happened and dashed to the bathroom. He hastily removed all the paper, and ran back to the exercise class. The exercise was in the middle of doing a set of 500 jumping jacks for an extra warm up, so Kozai Tengai started, late of course, and tried to catch up. Kozai Tengai had only caught up a little when the rest of the class finished and they began the tougher exercises. Kozai Tengai really hated mountain climbers but that was the next exercise so he did all one thousand and twenty seven and a half of them. He was interrupted part way through his five hundredth mountain climber (counting on one leg only) when the instructor told him to lower his buttocks, and that he was supposed to count on one leg, but only every other time (so in case you are still wondering, Kozai Tengai had only done half of what he had thought he had done). Kozai Tengai sighed, and finished the mountain climbers.



Then it was time for the instructor's favorite: handstand push-ups. OK, Kozai Tengai could do handstand push-ups as his balance and strength were not too bad, but the instructor had to be kidding when he said to do the handstand push-ups the way he was doing them: in a handstand (duh!) using one arm only for the first hundred, then switching, and doing several sets, while wearing a hundred pound vest. Kozai Tengai attempted to imitate the instructor but his arms buckled (while he was wearing the hundred pound vest) as soon as he bent his arms while in a handstand. The rest of the class (including a number of girls) were doing something closer to what the instructor was doing (the instructor said "62, 63, 64...") and many weren't even breaking a sweat. Kozai Tengai struggled but he was behind everyone else. Kozai Tengai almost fainted when the instructor told everyone to take off the one hundred pound vests, and then put on the three hundred pound jackets. Kozai Tengai barely staggered around, stumbling against various objects as he attempted to walk with the ultra super duper amazingly ridiculously (apparently) superflously extra mega dual mechanical weighted vest. The instructor declared that they were barely throught the first set and started doing one arm handstand pushups, but on closer inspection the instructor was also pushing himself up hard enough that his entire body would float up in the air for a few seconds before landing back on his hand. The instructor, while in the middle of a one arm handstand pushup, pointed straight at Kozai Tengai (who froze in his tracks) and told him (referred to as the newbie) that what he (the instructor) was doing was called the "one arm handstand pushup hop", and that Kozai Tengai needed to shape up as he wouldn't get any stronger stumbling around. Kozai Tengai groaned, as the instructor pointed to him and topld him to stop slacking off and that he should try to do the next exercise. Kozai Tengai's jaw dropped (to the floor), his eyes glazed over, as he was stunned speechless (and dumbstruck) as the instructor, while in the middle of a one arm handstand push-up hop, tossed off the three hundred pound vest and grabbed a five hundred pound ultra strong military super duper max omega armor outweighing kage level training vest. Kozai Tengai wanted to cry, and would have but it wouldn't look good so he didn't. The instructor started doing the one arm handstand pushup hops onto a large table (only about five feet tall) and back down, meanwhile clapping in transit. Kozai Tengai staggered over, and discarded the three hundred pound ultra super duper amazingly ridiculously (apparently) superflously extra mega dual mechanical vest. He struggled, before finally getting the five huindred pound ultra strong military super duper max omega armor outweighing kage level training vest. The vest collapsed off the rack on top of him.



Several minutes later, Kozai Tengai had finally gotten the five hundred pound ultra strong military super duper max omega armor outweighing kage level training vest on and had stumbled back to where he had been before, trying to do the one arm handstand push-up hops onto a box, when the instructor told him sternly that he (Kozai Tengai) would have to step it up if he wanted to become a Taijutsu Specialist. Taijutsu? Kozai Tengai pulled himself out of the five hundred pound ultra strong military super duper max omega armor outweighing kage level training vest and checked the class schedule on the wall. He froze. Kozai Tengai obviously had not read the description of the class well enough because the class was labeled as being for Taijutsu users in the Jounin to Sannin level. No wonder the entire class was significantly stronger than he was. To save face, Kozai Tengai decided to sit through the rest of the class and do what he could (which ended up not being much other than gasp for breath). The only other notable event in the class was when the instructor walked around, showing people how to open or having people practice opening the first few gates. Kozai Tengai struggled, when the instructor got to him, belatedly realizing the cause of his difficulty was that he wasn’t even a taijutsu specialist, so no amount of words would unlock any of the gates yet. After the class ended, Kozai Tengai almost literally crawled out of the room, over to the water fountain. Kozai Tengai guzzled the water from (no, not the soda fountain, the water fountain). Kozai Tengai rested for an hour, and decided during that period to train by himself again (since it would be significantly less painful).



Kozai Tengai started jumping up and down onto and off a box. He did this until he bit the dust, literally. The reason he bit the dust was that his shoe lace got untied and it had tangled with his other leg, tripping Kozai Tengai up (actually down), and causing him to fall down, flat on his face. Kozai Tengai got up, spitting out dirt (giving someone else nearby the inspiration for a new earth jutsu) and cursing. Kozai Tengai decided to go jogging to clear his head.



Kozai Tengai went jogging. He continued jogging. He continued to continue jogging. Kozai Tengai kept continuing to continue to jog. Then he got tired of keeping continuing to continue to jog, and decided to just continue to jog or keep on jogging, or to persevere in his light jogging despite the minimal strain imposed on his body even with the killer workout earlier. Kozai Tengai kept jogging. He continued to keep on jogging. Kozai Tengai kept on continuing to keep jogging, before remembering that he had done essentially the same thing only a sentence or two earlier, and that this was all redundant, so he truncated the sentence and made it “Kozai Tengai continued to jog”. Then Kozai Tengai decided that a change would be nice, so he started alternating between trotting, and running. He start red running, and then slowed down and started trotting. Then he realized his mistake and started running, before experiencing confusion due to the fact that he had already started trotting, so he would be doing extra. Eventually he decided that since he was training, the extra exercise would not hurt, so he finished doing his short, prematurely truncated minimal running and began to trot. Then he decided to tiptoe for a mile. This was harder said than done, as every time a branch broke or a leaf moved, Kozai Tengai would freeze, and look around for an enemy ninja. Eventually he finished the self prescribed mile, and had a short break (lasting about one hundredth of a seventh of a three quarter of a second) before setting off again.

Kozai Tengai stopped and redid the “setting off again”, again because he didn’t think he had done it right. He looked at it, and decided to do it several times to practice it (sometimes loudly proclaiming his setting off again). Eventually he figured his setting off would not get any better so he decided to get on with it (what “it” was he did not quite figure out). Kozai Tengai set off, yet again, with an air of finality. He considered practicing setting off a few more times to get out the wrinkles but decided he had wasted enough time (and words) in such a silly exercise, so Kozai Tengai didn’t bother.

Kozai Tengai continued to run around, straight into a ninja duel. The two ninjas had been about to use ultra powerful jutsu in an attempt to obliterate each other, but each held their fire (or other element) when Kozai Tengai burst into the clearing (causing the fire user some problems as he had been about to spit out a fireball). The fire user began to choke and cough, and Kozai Tengai whacked him on the back, thinking that the ninja was choking, but the two ninjas misinterpreted this friendly gesture to be an assault (not at all what Kozai Tengai intended). The two ninja started chasing Kozai Tengai, who fled for his life. Fortunately, Kozai Tengai had not worn his headband, thinking he would not need it, never thinking he would encounter ninja from a far away village way out in the middle of nowhere. Kozai Tengai ran, as the ninja began lobbing stuff at him. He continued to pedal his legs for dear life as various objects began to rain down around him, as he ran towards the village (and help). First was several kunai, followed by shuriken. The two ninja cursed, as they hurled a mostly deadly barrage of kunai and shuriken. Kozai Tengai only managed to dodge them by dropping to the forest floor temporarily, and then jumping back up. The two ninja hurled a bunch more kunai and shuriken, all of which Kozai Tengai dodged, a few of which he had caught. Kozai Tengai turned to stick his tongue out at the ninja pursuing him, but as he did so, he hit a tree branch, knocking the wind out of him. Kozai Tengai fell to the floor, and the two ninja following him followed suit. Kozai Tengai grabbed the kunai and shuriken he had collected and tossed them at the ninja as they were in mid-air, giving him enough time (barely of course, otherwise it wouldn’t be dramatic at all) to start fleeing again. He continued to run, as the ninja continued to fling stuff at him. Teakettles, alarm clocks (though these may have been hit by people who didn’t want to get up when their alarm clocks went off), piggy banks (why toss away money), and a number of other objects including teabags beanbags, and shopping bags began to be flung instead of kunai and shuriken (Kozai Tengai had heard the two ninja say they were out of the usual projectiles). Kozai Tengai as a result relaxed. This allowed him to get distracted by a flying cast iron pan, letting him get hit in the back by a sheet of paper (even though neither of the pursuing ninjas could use the Paper Emissary tech) on the back. Kozai Tengai winced, and then ducked. A giant stuffed doll flew over his head, and smashed with what would have been lethal force into a nearby tree. Kozai Tengai confinued fleeing for his life. He then heard the two ninja behind arguing, followed by a rustle, followed by several clanks. Kozai Tengai quickly glanced over his shoulder, and saw a bunch of what appeared to be explosives headed his way. Kozai Tengai cursed, and ran even harder, and the explosives exploded all around him, and the pursuing ninja, creating a smoke screen (only the cursing of the other ninja could be used to detect them, the explosives were smoke bombs obviously). Kozai Tengai safely got home, and collapsed on his bed.

[TWC 4134, 33 XP
3000/3000 for 3 tomoe
1100/1600 for S-rank Biomancy]

Good. Good.